Easy as Yi Er San…

Ok. I think it’s understood at this point that I’m no good at updating this regularly so Ill refrain from my usual sob story.  That being said I have another in the works so hopefully I’ll fire off another soon.

Through my first three looong weeks of teaching (sweet bejeezus, I’ve been here a month), I have developed a deep appreciation and admiration for any and all kindergarten/elementary teachers. Having seen what these kids can do, I can’t believe there aren’t more stories about teachers throwing kids out windows. I have never been hit, hugged, gotten spit on, kissed, and groped so much in my life. I feel like Al Gores personal masseuse (Bam! Zing! Don’t worry, I’m here all year).

It has only been a short period of time, but already the majority of my colleagues have some sort of ailment, and about 30% have had to miss work. I myself have managed to stay relatively healthy, save for one killer sore throat. I’ve been popping lozenges like a middle schooler does pimples. Clearly the mere act of trying to speak over about 40 squealing 3-7 year olds has taken its toll on me. Every day I wake up and feel like I smoked a pack of Marlboro Reds the previous evening, which is not a good feeling. That being said, I’m proud to say that suffering from a torched throat has actually allowed me to master the art of teaching a class without speaking at all. It involves a lot of pantomiming and gesturing, but I can usually get my point across and the kids pick up on my intentions rather quickly.

I teach 11 classes throughout the week, which vary in age. There are two classes of 3 year olds, two classes of 4-5 year olds, 6 classes of 6-7 year olds, and one special class of 8-11 year olds. The special class is comprised of 12 kids whose parents enrolled them in this supplemental class, so they are all very smart and at least somewhat motivated to learn English. It is the last class I teach on Friday and a really great way to close out the week. I have had many interesting experiences thus far and can safely say that I have never washed my hands so frequently in so brief a period.

Teaching young children, especially my 3 year olds, is a very messy job. I have never felt so loved and abused at the same time. The kids love nothing more than touching me, which usually occurs immediately after they wipe off drool or snot with their hands/put their hands down their pants/pee/crap themselves/etc. When not covering me in bodily fluids, they enjoy grabbing onto any part of me that they can (usually my hair, or legs so I cannot walk) or pummeling me with their fists of “love.” It is quite like my experiences dabbling in fratlife, and I often feel waves of nostalgia while cleaning up/fending off attacks. Like I said, messy.

Speaking of said mess, I recently had a little girl drop a deuce on her seat during class. Just let that marinate for a moment. I noticed said girl standing over the chair with her back to me, observing the present she had just left. Annoyed that she had ignored my multiple requests to have a seat, I walked over to force her into the chair. I did not realize what had just occurred until I was front and center, and all the students were pointing and giggling. Horrified, I focused on picking up kids 3 at a time and clearing the area before gesturing to the Chinese teachers that this was not my jurisdiction. Another “highlight” of the same 3-yr-old class is one little girl who literally has not stopped crying for three weeks, and I kid you not. Every second of every class for three weeks she has cried. It doesn’t seem humanly possible, and at times I am legitimately worried that she will suffocate and drop dead. After I suffer through about 10 minutes of this, I beg a Chinese teacher to take her out of the class… which they do for about a minute before returning her to my lesson so she can commence the Bellagio fountain show.

Despite these small hiccups, I have discovered the way to a 3 year olds heart: Stickers and songs. When the kids are restless or wont pay attention, I invoke one of these powerful tools.  My first tactic to attain peace is to offer them stickers if they shut the hell up. Stickers are crack for three year olds, and I might as well be dangling a brand new puppy in their faces.  While they go bonkers for stickers, however, sometimes they still wont be quiet. When this happens, I put on a CD and let them dance around for a while. After about 4 dances they get tired while I save some energy.  Both are effective and alleviate some stress.

While it has been difficult, teaching young ones has definitely been an experience. I learn more about dealing with children every day, which I guess is important, and sometimes I feel like I am influencing their lives. I’ve taught my kids to say “Peace out homie” and “Peace up, A-town down,” so if I ever figure out how to post videos to this blog I’ll record it and share. That’s all I have for now, more on teaching in the next few days.

Sucs